I ASKED MY girlfriend if driving a Bentley would make me more sexually attractive. "No," came the withering reply. "But spending more time on the treadmill might." Ouch.

Not long after, I scooped my trampled ego off the floor and went to collect the keys to a Bentley Arnage R from Editor Nick. Minutes later, I was feeling rather better about myself. I was feeling, in fact, downright royal, my blood seemingly bluer and my nose inclined increasingly skyward with each prod of the throttle. I suppose a $1.21 million car has that sort of effect on a person.

That's what it costs (if you need to ask) for an Arnage R, the bottom rung on a very exclusive ladder, albeit specced up with a bar fridge in the rear and other boozy implements like gorgeous veneered folding table tops and compartments for wine glasses.

Still, almost nothing makes for a sense of occasion quite like the Bentley. Roll up somewhere in the Arnage, and I assure you that you could not make a bigger impact on all present if you turned up with National Day-style fireworks shooting from your ears.

DRIVING IT

The reason the bonnet of the Arnage is so vast is that it has to conceal a 6.75-litre V8 engine. This mammoth powerplant is as old as the hills, but continuous tweaks have kept it serviceable, and it now pushes the Bentley around with a sort of gruff authority. Especially since one of those tweaks is the plumbing in of two turbochargers.

The result - 400bhp and 835Nm of torque - is alternately majestic and hysterical. Push the loud pedal down a bit, and the Arnage breezes past regular traffic with commanding ease. Boot it, however, and the Bentley gets serious. Once the engine hits 2,300rpm and the blowers spool up, it surges forward like an elephant on a rampage, with a roar from the engine to match. Just as well the massive brakes stop it properly, so long as you're willing to lean hard on the pedal.

On the subject of its handling, CarBuyer testers are in disagreement. Some find the Bentley clumsy, but if you ask me, it goes around corners smartly enough for something so heavy.

The tyres - Pirelli P Zero Rossos, no less - hang on gamely and give plenty of warning before majestically releasing their hold on the tarmac. The steering is surprisingly quick, too, giving the car some semblance of agility. Simple laws of physics make massive body roll inescapable if you corner enthusiastically, but overall it's disarmingly easy to conduct the Arnage with startling aplomb.

One last point: assuming you're naughty (or crazy or daft) enough to poke the Electronic Stability Programme switch and send all traction aids to sleep, the Bentley is merely some footwork away from roasting its Pirellis into puffs of ghostly vapour.

INSIDE IT

The big surprise is how the Bentley mixes opulence with shocking tawdriness. Much of the switchgear doesn't feel special, and the bonnet release is so flimsy that you're reluctant to touch it because you half expect it to snap off in your hand.

And while the interior generally oozes quality and craftsmanship, some bits, like the optional DVD monitor, feel more homemade. Otherwise, it's a case study of luxury.

The seats are peerlessly plump with padding, and all surfaces are richly textured in fine stuff, whether it's chrome, rich leather or lush carpeting.

It's spacious as well, though not exceptionally so, with rear legroom perhaps a little on the mean side given the car's external bulk. Still, the Arnage's interior manages to feel like the sort of place you should wash your hands before entering.

On the move, stiff springing means it does crash noticeably over larger bumps, but minor ripples and surface undulations are wafted over with such finesse that it feels as if the Bentley is simply employing its mass to squash them underfoot.

DOLLARS AND SENSE

In terms of equipment though, the Bentley is surprisingly meagre. Not here will you find the electronic gimmickry of a BMW 7 Series or Audi A8, which means no keyless go system, no soft-closing doors, no multimedia controller, no trip computer, no automatic wipers and so on.

Still, I did drive the Bentley to a property launch and was fawned over like a prince. Meaning there are ways to impress people other than with wipers that switch themselves on.

Consider the alternatives, though. Is an Arnage R really better than a BMW M6 and a BMW M5 (with enough left over for a VW Golf GTI for the maid?). Of course it isn't. But who am I to tell a billionaire what to do with his money?

VERDICT

There's no denying the Arnage is an aging car on an aging platform with an aged engine. If you ask me, though, it's preferable to a Continental Flying Spur, which is far more modern but is to me, little more than a Volkswagen Phaeton with a dose of steroids and nicer clothes.

One suspects that when it comes to the Arnage, the point is emphatically not about how good it is, but about how good it makes you feel. On that front, it flirts with perfection.

And if magnetism is bound up with self-esteem, then being behind the wheel of the Bentley can do for you what a lifetime of toning up on a treadmill would fail to accomplish, despite what my girlfriend had to say about the matter. What do women know, anyway?

NEED TO KNOW

Model BENTLEY ARNAGE R
Engine 6,750cc 16-valve twin-turbo V8
Max Power 400bhp at 4,000rpm
Max Torque 835Nm at 3,250rpm
Gearbox 4-speed automatic
Top Speed 250km/h
0-100 km/h 6.3 seconds
Price $1,210,000 without COE
Warranty 2 years / unlimited
Contact Malayan Motors, 6473-7755

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The Phantom is supreme at what it does, and is therefore superior to the Bentley in virtually every way. However, unlike in the Arnage, it just feels completely wrong being the man behind the steering wheel.